UltraHyperShadow

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 27 (November 2010)

2010-11-03T14:28:00.001-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Portal 2 (2/9/11) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
Crysis 2 (3/22/11) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Nintendo 3DS (3/11) 3DS
Pokémon Black and White (Q2 2011) DS
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011) Wii
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (TBA) 3DS
Mario Kart 3DS (TBA) 3DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Mass Effect 3 (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 26 (October 2010)

2010-10-07T11:23:00.000-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

GoldenEye 007 (11/2/10) Wii
Portal 2 (2/9/11) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
Crysis 2 (3/22/11) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Nintendo 3DS (3/11) 3DS
Pokémon Black and White (Q2 2011) DS
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011) Wii
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (TBA) 3DS
Mario Kart 3DS (TBA) 3DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Mass Effect 3 (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 25 (September 2010)

2010-09-08T18:57:00.002-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

GoldenEye 007 (11/2/10) Wii
Portal 2 (2/9/11) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
Crysis 2 (3/22/11) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Pokémon Black and White (Q2 2011) DS
Nintendo 3DS (Q2 2011) 3DS
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011) Wii
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (TBA) 3DS
Mario Kart 3DS (TBA) 3DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Mass Effect 3 (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 24 (August 2010)

2010-08-03T21:05:00.004-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Metroid: Other M (8/31/10) Wii
GoldenEye 007 (11/2/10) Wii
Crysis 2 (3/22/11) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Pokémon Black and White (Q2 2011) DS
Nintendo 3DS (Q2 2011) 3DS
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011) Wii
Portal 2 (2011) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (TBA) 3DS
Mario Kart 3DS (TBA) 3DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 23 (July 2010)

2010-07-05T18:20:00.002-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (7/27/10) PC
Metroid: Other M (8/31/10) Wii
GoldenEye 007 (November 2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (November 2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011) Wii
Nintendo 3DS (Q2 2011) 3DS
Pokémon Black and White (2011) DS
Portal 2 (2011) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (TBA) 3DS
Mario Kart (TBA) 3DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 22 (June 2010)

2010-06-04T20:45:00.004-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (7/27/10) PC
Metroid: Other M (8/31/10) Wii
GoldenEye 007 (November 2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (November 2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011) Wii
Pokémon Black and White (2011) DS
Portal 2 (2011) PC, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
Nintendo 3DS (2011) 3DS
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (TBA) 3DS
Mario Kart (TBA) 3DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

The End

2010-05-08T16:06:00.001-04:00

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Countdown to the End

2010-05-03T15:45:00.001-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 21 (May 2010)

2010-05-03T15:40:00.002-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 (5/23/10) Wii
Metroid: Other M (6/27/10) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (7/27/10) PC
Crysis 2 (November 2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Portal 2 (Q4 2010) PC, Xbox 360
Zelda Wii (2010) Wii
Pokémon Black and White (2011) DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: The Chronicle

2010-05-01T15:40:00.000-04:00

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: Special Episodes Press Releases

2010-04-21T18:10:00.002-04:00

"Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: The Chronicle" - In this special retrospective, Master Chief recaps season 3 of "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" and looks back on classic moments before the series' final episode. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: The Chronicle" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief. (May 1, 2010)

"Master Chief: The Movie" – Master Chief's origins are revealed in this special two-part movie event celebrating one year of "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering"! See Master Chief's first meetings with the Arbiter, CATS, and other iconic characters during his first mission. "Master Chief: The Movie" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Talkany Big Robot as CATS, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, Talkany Strong Man as Sergeant Johnson, AT&T Mike as Anonymous, AT&T Crystal as Nurse, Talkany Little Man as Recruiting Scientologist, AT&T Audrey as Old Woman, and AT&T Rich as the King. (October 3, 2008)

"Master Chief Sucks at Recaps" - In this special episode, the "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" series is recapped for viewers, from the first episode right up to the season 3 premiere. "Master Chief Sucks at Recaps" stars AT&T Rich as Narrator. (August 21, 2009)

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: Season 3 Press Releases

2010-04-16T14:27:00.000-04:00

"Master Chief Sucks at Everything" - In the epic conclusion to "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering," the final battle between good and evil threatens both the real and fictional worlds as Master Chief fights to save both his friends and his viewers and come to terms with his ultimate destiny. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Robot as CATS, AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton, Talkany Strong Man as Avery Johnson, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Chris Hansen as himself, Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, Chad Warden as himself, UltraHyperShadow as 343 Guilty Spark, AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard, LH Michael as Bill Gates, AT&T Mike as Reggie Fils-Aime, AT&T Claire as Oprah Winfrey, AT&T Mike as Joe Biden, Talkany Little Man as Steve Jobs, and UltraHyperShadow as the Voice. (May 8, 2010)

"Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Burger King" - Master Chief returns in the exciting season 3 premiere! After being sent to the year 2020 with the Arbiter, Master Chief attempts to stop the Ancients. In the distant past, the King tries to convince Johnson that he can be trusted. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Man as Avery Johnson, AT&T Claire as Oprah Winfrey, Talkany Little Man as Steve Jobs, LH Michael as Bill Gates, AT&T Mike as Reggie Fils-Aime, and UltraHyperShadow as additional voices. (September 9, 2009)

"Master Chief Meets Guilty Spark" - Master Chief and the Arbiter reluctantly recruit 343 Guilty Spark to help them. Meanwhile, the King tells Johnson his plan. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Man as Avery Johnson and UltraHyperShadow as 343 Guilty Spark. (September 25, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Shopping" – Master Chief teaches viewers how to shop at Walmart when he and the Arbiter stock up on supplies before raiding the Halo ring. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Strong Man as Avery Johnson, UltraHyperShadow as 343 Guilty Spark, AT&T Mike as Young King, Talkany Child as Clerk, Talkany Nerd as the Governor, and Microsoft Mary as Cortana. (October 14, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Rescue Missions" – Master Chief and the Arbiter attempt to rescue Cortana from the program known as the Governor. Meanwhile, the King and Johnson prepare to save the heroes in the future. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Nerd as the Governor, Talkany Big Man as Avery Johnson, UltraHyperShadow as 343 Guilty Spark, AT&T Claire as Oprah Winfrey, Talkany Little Man as Steve Jobs, LH Michael as Bill Gates, AT&T Mike as Reggie Fils-Aime, and Talkany Wobbly as Pilot. (November 6, 2009)

"Master Chief vs the Halo" – Master Chief and his allies must put an end to the chaos when Ronald prematurely fires the Halo ring. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Man as Avery Johnson, UltraHyperShadow as 343 Guilty Spark, AT&T Claire as Oprah Winfrey, LH Michael as Bill Gates, AT&T Mike as Reggie Fils-Aime, and AT&T Audrey as Announcer. (January 15, 2010)

"Master Chief Rocks at Ordering McDonalds" - Master Chief teaches viewers how to order food at McDonalds...again. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are AT&T Mike as Caesar Charlemagne and Talkany Woman as Customer. (February 1, 2010)

"Master Chief Rocks at Ordering at Restaurants" - Master Chief teaches viewers how to order food at restaurants in the alternate timeline. Meanwhile, the King makes a deal with Ronald. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are AT&T Mike as Caesar Charlemagne and Talkany Hyper Male as Waiter. (February 17, 2010)

"Master Chief Sucks at Alternate Timelines" - Master Chief meets Ronald in the alternate timeline and gives him the coordinates. In the original timeline, the King explains Ronald's true plan. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Man as Avery Johnson and AT&T Mike as Caesar Charlemagne. (March 3, 2010)

"Master Chief: The Secret Origin of the King" - Master Chief and his allies head to Building 69. Meanwhile, the King's past history with Ronald is revealed in flashbacks. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Robot as CATS, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard, UltraHyperShadow as 343 Guilty Spark, AT&T Mike as Young King, Audacity Mike as Young Ronald, LH Michael as Bill Gates, AT&T Mike as Reggie Fils-Aime, AT&T Audrey as Announcer, and Talkany Imaginary Man as Guard. (March 15, 2010)

"Master Chief Sucks at Plot Twists" - Master Chief, the Arbiter, Cortana, and Johnson arrive at Building 69 to face off with Ronald. But no one expects the biggest twist of all... "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Big Robot as CATS, Talkany Strong Man as Avery Johnson, and AT&T Audrey as Announcer. (April 16, 2010)

Master Chief Sucks at Plot Twists

2010-04-16T14:19:00.001-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 20 (April 2010)

2010-04-04T16:26:00.000-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 (5/23/10) Wii
Metroid: Other M (6/27/10) Wii
Crysis 2 (Q4 2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Zelda Wii (2010) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Pokémon Black and White (2011) DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief: The Secret Origin of the King

2010-03-15T20:19:00.001-04:00

Frequently Asked Questions

2010-03-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

UPDATE MARCH 7, 2010: It's been a long time since this was updated.

UPDATE JULY 5, 2009: It's been two months, so I've updated this post with more questions.

UPDATE MAY 5, 2009: I have decided to update this post with more relevant questions as we approach the end of the season.

A few weeks ago I asked people to send in any questions they have about myself or Master Chief Sucks at Ordering to try and cut back on the number of messages I receive or questions I get in the comments. I'm aware no one actually reads these things and therefore this will not cut back on said questions whatsoever, but it's worth a shot anyway.

While most of these questions were actually sent to me, some of them are literally "frequently asked questions" that are asked by many people and so I just added them under a universal question. I also retyped all questions with correct spelling and grammar, don't be offended, I'm just OCD. On to the questions, and feel free to send more.

Why did you start making Master Chief Sucks at Ordering?
I originally saw Master Chief Sucks at Halo by DigitalPH33R in the summer of 2007. This was before there were hundreds of parodies on Youtube. I saw one particular parody called Master Chief Sucks at Plumbing by Ninjaadventures and was inspired to try my hand at a similar video called "Mudkip Sucks at Pokemon." However, I hit writer's block and instead made Master Chief Sucks at Ordering McDonalds after an irritatingly long wait at the McDonalds drive through where my friend made the now famous comment to "throw a plasma grenade through the window."

Why is the third episode called Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Finales if it's not the finale?
Because originally it was intended to be the finale, but I decided to make more episodes later on.

What programs do you use for the voices?
The most frequently asked question of all. Master Chief is voiced by the Microsoft Sam text-to-speech program found by default on all computers running Windows XP and some earlier versions of Windows. I'm not sure if Vista has Microsoft Sam, but if not there are download links on the Internet. To get to text-to-speech, go:
Start-->Control Panel-->Sounds, Speech, and Audio Devices-->Speech.
To actually record the voices, go to:
Start-->All Programs-->Accessories-->Entertainment-->Sound Recorder.
Master Chief is the Microsoft Sam voice, the Arbiter is (as of season 2) the Microsoft Mike voice, and Cortana is the Microsoft Mary voice. Depending on who manufactured your computer, you may need to download the Mike and Mary voices.

Why do some characters' voices have "AT&T" in their name?
For the other characters, I use the AT&T Text-to-Speech service found here. Test the various voices and see if you can tell who's who; if you can't, the cast list is in the credits at the end of each episode.

Why do some characters' voices have "Talkany" in their name?
Talkany is a downloadable program featuring many different text-to-speech voices. The most notable is "Big Robot," the voice used for CATS in the famous "All Your Base are Belong to Us" Flash animation.

Why do some characters' voices have "Audacity" in their name?
They are characters who have special voices not found in AT&T or Talkany. They have their voice edited with the free audio editing program Audacity.

Why do some characters have the same voice?
Only generic, minor characters like "Newscaster" or whatever repeat voices. The voice of Ridley, a minor character, was later used for Sergeant Johnson, a more important character. However, you may have noticed Anonymous and Joe Biden have the same voice. This may not be a coincidence...

UPDATE MARCH 7, 2010: ...actually, it is a coincidence. This was part of a larger plotline involving Anonymous that has long since been dropped from the series. Reggie Fils-Aime and young King also have the same voice as Anonymous and Biden.

What music did you use in this episode/what movie is that video from?
The original source of all music and videos in each episode is listed in the video description.

Why are you wasting time making a trailer instead of the actual episode?
Like all real TV shows, I plan the rough release date of each episode months ahead of time. I'm not wasting my time making a trailer; you won't be getting the real episode any earlier if I didn't. If Episode X is coming out on Date Y, it's still coming out on Date Y regardless of if I make a trailer a few weeks earlier.

Why do you release episodes so sporadically?
I released ten episodes last season (though one was a remake of the first episode and the last two were released the same day in the form of the season finale) and I released 12 episodes in season 2 (though the one-year anniversary movie didn't count towards this total). 13 episodes (not counting recaps) will be released in season 3. Real TV shows run from September to May with some hiatuses and so does my series. I like to think the suspense keeps you wanting to come back.

Why did you rip off [name removed]?
Now we get to the more edgy questions. I didn't "rip off" anyone on Youtube. I was inspired by DigitalPH33R and Ninjaadventures' respective series and credit them at the end of every episode (until season 2, when the differences between my series and his became so great it wasn't necessary anymore). As for the person whose name was originally in this message--next time, try checking when the person registered at Youtube and when they posted their first video. I can't see the future.

Did you know someone else ripped you off?
When this question was originally posted in the FAQ, the answer was no. Unfortunately in the time since then a ripoff video of my series has appeared on Youtube. I will not link to it as it only gives the derivative video more views while you are unable to do anything about it. If videos like this receive no attention, the creators will not be inspired to make more.

What program(s) do you use to make the videos?
For the first season and second season up to "Master Chief Meets the Network," Windows Movie Maker for the editing of videos and the aforementioned Sound Recorder and Audacity for audio dialogue and editing. Starting with "Master Chief vs the Superweapon," Sony Vegas is used for creating episodes, allowing for much more creative freedom and special effects. I use the free Photoship clone GIMP to edit images for more elaborate sequences.

Why does the Burger King appear in the first episode and Master Chief doesn't do anything?
The King appears when Master Chief says not to "be a Burger King fanboy," and that was the stock picture I used. At the time, I had no idea I was even making a second episode, much less using the King as a character later on. Think of it as unintended foreshadowing.

Why do you hate Scientology? Or is that just a joke in the series?
I do hate Scientology, and if you must know why, there are some videos on Youtube that can explain it. But as a bit of warning, there are graphic images in some of the more detailed videos--Scientology is dirty, dirty stuff, and its critics are not afraid to show you why.

Do you plan episodes ahead or just make it up as you go along?
I have a rough idea of what events I want to have happen and when, then make up the rest as I go along. For example, I knew the ending of season 2 as far back as January, but not all the events between then and now. The ending of the series was planned a long time ago, and most of season 3 was mapped out before it even began. Hopefully, this intricate planning is reflected in the more cohesive and interesting plotline of season 3.

Were Joe Biden, John McCain, and Sarah Palin members of the Network? Was Hillary Clinton a member now?
Biden was a member but left like the Arbiter, Cortana, and Obama. McCain and Palin were just pawns of the Network and aren't actually members; they got killed offscreen for their failure to win the election. Clinton wass not actually a member and had her own allegiances that were revealed in "Master Chief vs Hillary Clinton."

What happened to Mario, Luigi, Link, and Samus?
They were all killed in the prison for being useless redshirts. Luigi died of a heart attack after eating too much spaghetti.

How do you make those fight scenes?
In the past, "fight scenes" in the series amounted to a series of still images with character faces edited over the real faces. Starting with "Master Chief vs the Superweapon," however, I have been using Sony Vegas's head tracking tool to add the character faces into actual video clips of fight scenes from movies and video games. This makes them much more realistic and enjoyable to watch. I must thank my friend 47pik for teaching me how to use this tool.

The story of the series is rather convuluted. Is there a resource to better understand it?
Yes. I developed the Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Wiki last July as a database of info on the series as it started to develop a complex plotline. At the new, more professional wiki, you can read all kinds of information that you never knew or cared about before, like the characters, episodes, trailers, battles, and even the series timeline. Go check it out or Satan will kill your firstborn.

When is season 3 starting and how long will it be? Will there be another set of "minisodes" over the summer?
Season 3 will start in September 2009 and will run for 13. Episodes 11, 12, and 13 will be the three part series finale in May 2010. Yes, that's right, Master Chief Sucks at Ordering is ending next May. All good stories have to come to an end eventually and this one is no exception. But expect the same high standard of comedy and drama right up to the very end.

In the timeline, when do the "unknown post-schism events" take place?
The scene where Master Chief saw Jack Thompson and Tom Cruise talking about him took place in 2006. Meet the Ancients takes place in January 2009. I have no reason for choosing these dates other than that they'll never be revealed in the series itself.

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 19 (March 2010)

2010-03-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (3/14/10) DS
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (5/23/10) Wii
Metroid: Other M (6/27/10) Wii
Crysis 2 (Q4 2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Zelda Wii (2010) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Pokémon Generation V (2011) DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Alternate Timelines

2010-03-03T19:24:00.002-05:00

Master Chief Rocks at Ordering at Restaurants

2010-02-17T18:00:00.001-05:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 18 (February 2010)

2010-02-02T13:56:00.003-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010 or 2011. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (3/14/10) DS
APB (March 2010) PC
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Zelda Wii (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Pokémon Generation V (2011) DS
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Rocks at Ordering McDonalds

2010-02-01T19:52:00.000-05:00

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Season 3 - New Poster

2010-01-23T15:36:00.004-05:00

Yes, in the long tradition of TV shows ripping off the Last Supper for promotional images, this is the second poster for the final season of Master Chief Sucks at Ordering.

The characters were arranged mostly by affiliation (Network members Tom Cruise, Chris Hansen, and AVGN are all on the far left, for example) and there's no real connection intended between the character and the Biblical figure they're replacing...except for two. One is Master Chief in the Jesus position, obviously. But who is the second? You'll know in time.

Master Chief vs the Halo

2010-01-15T22:53:00.001-05:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 17 (January 2010)

2010-01-03T23:43:00.002-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (3/14/10) DS
APB (March 2010) PC
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Zelda Wii (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 16 (December 2009)

2009-12-06T22:06:00.001-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (12/7/09) DS
MAG (1/26/10) Playstation 3
APB (March 2010) PC
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (Q2 2010) DS
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Rescue Missions

2009-11-06T18:49:00.001-05:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 15 (November 2009)

2009-11-04T16:51:00.001-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (12/7/09) DS
MAG (1/26/10) Playstation 3
APB (March 2010) PC
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (Q2 2010) DS
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Shopping

2009-10-14T21:14:00.000-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 14 (October 2009)

2009-10-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (12/7/09) DS
MAG (1/26/10) Playstation 3
APB (March 2010) PC
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (Q2 2010) DS
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: Two Years

2009-10-03T17:00:00.000-04:00

Two years ago today I uploaded a video called "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering McDonalds" to Youtube and had absolutely no idea what I was getting into.

That video was supposed to be a one-off attempt at copying DigitalPh33r's Master Chief Sucks at Halo series (now known as Arby 'n' the Chief) and Ninjaadventures' "Master Chief Sucks at Plumbing." What I didn't anticipate was making three seasons worth of videos and trying my hand at actual serial storytelling for a wide audience. I find it ironic that part 5 of Arby 'n' the Chief's series finale is airing today.

As you are hopefully aware by now, season 3 is the final season of Master Chief Sucks at Ordering. The three-part series finale will air in May 2010. In hopes of having a better, more structured and paced story, I've been working backwards. Part 3 of the finale is already complete, and parts 1 and 2 are outlined. Since I have a goal to work towards, the eight episodes between now and then will be of a higher story quality. And since I won't have to suddenly shoehorn in plotlines when they aren't needed, there will be more time for jokes and comedy. Hopefully this plan will be easier for me to make the series and more fun for you to watch.

Unlike last year, when I released a one-year anniversary movie, there is no video for you this year. Instead, I have an offer for you.

Every person who subscribes to my Youtube account, UltraHyperShadow, before May 1, 2010 will get their name in a special section of the credits of the final episode of the show. As I write this, there are currently 83 subscribers. If you're even reading this, you're probably subscribed anyway. I've always thought it was interesting how some movies have a "fanclub" section of their credits listing all the fans of the series, as the fans are really the most important part of the entire process. So I felt it'd only be appropriate to do it here, too. Again, you must be subscribed on May 1, 2010, which is the date I'm taking all the names. If you unsubscribe before then, you won't get in.

This is just my small way of trying to thank the many people who have driven me to continue making this odd little series for two years. But don't get too melancholy about the ending just yet: there are still eight episodes between now and the finale in May. On that note, I thought I'd post a tentative schedule for the rest of the season:

Episode 3 (Master Chief Sucks at Shopping): October 14, 2009
Episode 4: November 2009
Episode 5: January 2010
Episode 6: February 2010
Episode 7: February 2010
Episode 8: March 2010
Episode 9: March 2010
Episode 10: April 2010
Episode 11/12/13: May 2010

Master Chief Meets Guilty Spark

2009-09-25T19:51:00.001-04:00

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Burger King

2009-09-09T19:37:00.000-04:00

MCSAO Season 3 Countdown!

2009-09-08T14:10:00.000-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 13 (September 2009)

2009-09-06T18:48:00.002-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (Q4 2009) DS
MAG (1/26/10) Playstation 3
APB (March 2010) PC
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (2010) DS
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Recaps

2009-08-21T23:21:00.001-04:00

Meet the Ancients Episode 4: Reggie Fils-Aime

2009-08-07T19:04:00.001-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 12 (August 2009)

2009-08-05T17:12:00.003-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Metroid Prime Trilogy (8/24/09) Wii
Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (Q4 2009) DS
APB (March 2010) PC
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Crysis 2 (2010) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (2010) DS
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2010) PC
MAG (2010) Playstation 3
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Season 3 poster

2009-07-31T00:56:00.001-04:00

??????

2009-07-27T22:00:00.001-04:00

Meet the Ancients Press Releases

2009-07-24T22:20:00.002-04:00

"Meet the Ancients Episode 1: Oprah Winfrey" - Famous talk show host Oprah Winfrey interviews Ronald McDonald. "Meet the Ancients" stars Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring is AT&T Claire as Oprah Winfrey. (June 26, 2009)

"Meet the Ancients Episode 2: Steve Jobs" - Steve Jobs, owner of Apple, reveals strange new products at the Macworld conference. "Meet the Ancients" stars Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are Talkany Little Man as Steve Jobs and Talkany Whiner as Businessman. (July 10, 2009)

"Meet the Ancients Episode 3: Bill Gates" - The owner of Microsoft, Bill Gates, reveals his own revolutionary products to consumers. "Meet the Ancients" stars Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are LH Michael as Bill Gates and Talkany Whiner as Businessman. (July 24, 2009)

"Meet the Ancients Episode 4: Reggie Fils-Aime" - Reggie Fils-Aime, President of Nintendo of America, explains his company's surprising video game lineup for 2009. "Meet the Ancients" stars Audacity Rich as Ronald McDonald. Guest starring are AT&T Mike as Reggie Fils-Aime, Talkany Mellow as Journalist, and AT&T Rich as the King. (August 7, 2009)

Meet the Ancients Episode 3: Bill Gates

2009-07-24T19:50:00.001-04:00

Meet the Ancients Episode 2: Steve Jobs

2009-07-10T21:14:00.000-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 11 (July 2009)

2009-07-02T16:30:00.003-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh - Part 2 (7/29/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Metroid Prime Trilogy (8/24/09) Wii
Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
MAG (11/09) Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009) DS
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (Q1 2010) PC
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (2010) DS
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Crysis 2 (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Meet the Ancients Episode 1: Oprah Winfrey

2009-06-26T21:45:00.000-04:00

Meet the Ancients!

2009-06-12T20:00:00.002-04:00

"Meet the Ancients" is a new short series that will be premiering on June 26 and will run through August. Unlike the Master Chief Minisodes from last summer, which were merely side stories set between seasons 1 and 2, "Meet the Ancients" is a brand new spinoff focusing on the Ancients, the new group of villains introduced at the end of season 2. The episodes will be seperate from the main series, but will provide backstory on these new characters. Tune in on June 26 for the first episode.

Also, don't forget the new teaser for season 3:

??????

2009-06-12T00:01:00.000-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 10 (June 2009)

2009-06-02T21:55:00.005-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh - Part 2 (7/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Metroid Prime Trilogy (8/24/09) Wii
Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
MAG (Q3 2009) Playstation 3
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009) DS
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (Q1 2010) PC
Metroid: Other M (2010) Wii
Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) Wii
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (2010) DS
Zelda Wii (TBA) Wii
Crysis 2 (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metal Gear Solid: Rising (TBA) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: What's next?

2009-05-16T13:13:00.002-04:00

Now that season 2 is over, it's time to look ahead to the third and final season. Here's what's coming up:

Over the summer at an unspecified date, "Master Chief Sucks at Recaps" will be released. This is not an actual episode, but a recap of the series so far narrated by the King.

In September, season 3 will begin. It will run for 12 episodes through May 2010. The final three episodes, which will be titled "Master Chief Sucks at Everything (Parts 1, 2, and 3)," will all be released on the same day.

Thanks for watching the series so far, and stay tuned for season 3!

Master Chief: The Second Finale

2009-05-15T20:57:00.001-04:00

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: Season 2 Press Releases

2009-05-15T19:57:00.002-04:00

"Master Chief Sucks at Escaping Prison" – Master Chief is back in the action-packed premiere of season 2! After being captured by the King, Master Chief is locked in a maximum security prison. Now he must find a way to escape and stop the King's evil plan! "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, and AT&T Rich as the King. Guest starring are Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, and Jason Alexander as George Costanza. (September 1, 2008)

"Master Chief Sucks at Voting" – Master Chief is forced to pick a side when Barack Obama and John McCain go head to head in an epic battle. But who will be elected president in the end? "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, and AT&T Rich as the King. Guest starring are Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, Audacity Mike as John McCain, AT&T Mike as Joe Biden, and AT&T Lauren as Sarah Palin. (November 4, 2008)

"Master Chief Meets the Network" – Master Chief learns about the secret organization pulling the strings behind all world events. But when the new president is threatened by their plot, will Master Chief be able to save him? "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, and AT&T Rich as the King. Guest starring are Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton, AT&T Mike as Joe Biden, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, Chad Warden as himself, James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Chris Hansen as himself, Audacity Mike as John McCain, Talkany Whiner as Assassin, and Talkany Singing Girl as Newscaster. (November 22, 2008)

"Master Chief vs the Superweapon" – Master Chief and his allies must stop the King from activating his superweapon. But all is not as it seems, and they may already be too late. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are Talkany Man as Tom Cruise and AT&T Mike as Narrator. (January 17, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Time Travel" – Master Chief begins to experience strange side effects after going through the portal. Meanwhile, the Arbiter and Cortana attempt to find the King. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are Talkany Big Robot as CATS, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard, AT&T Mike as McDonalds employee, Talkany Strong Man as Sergeant Johnson, and Talkany Woman as Secretary. (February 13, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Constants" – Master Chief attempts to find his way back to the present while the Arbiter and Cortana try to stabilize his erratic jumps through time. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, AT&T Mike as Joe Biden, Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, Chad Warden as himself, James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, and Chris Hansen as himself. (February 27, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Super Smash Bros." – Master Chief and the King discuss Super Smash Bros. Brawl, the game CATS wanted cancelled, as they debate Master Chief's purpose. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, Chad Warden as himself, James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, and Chris Hansen as himself. (March 10, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Computers" – Master Chief, the Arbiter, and Cortana attempt to deactivate the Ark before the King can use its powers for evil. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Chris Hansen as himself, Talkany Strong Man as Sergeant Johnson, and Talkany Hyper Male as Guard. (March 23, 2009)

"Master Chief vs Hillary Clinton" – Master Chief and Hillary Clinton have a duel to the death as the Ark’s laser prepares to fire. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Chris Hansen as himself, and Audacity Rich as Ron. (April 20, 2009)

"Master Chief Sucks at Remakes 2" - Master Chief's second adventure remade with better audio. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. (May 8, 2009)

"Master Chief: The Second Finale (Parts 1 and 2)" - Master Chief, the Arbiter, and Cortana ready themselves for a confrontation for the ages with the King himself in the epic season 2 climax! As the Ark’s laser prepares to fire, the forces of good must save the world once again! "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, Microsoft Mike as the Arbiter, Microsoft Mary as Cortana, AT&T Rich as the King, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. Guest starring are Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Chris Hansen as himself, Talkany Strong Man as Sergeant Johnson, and Audacity Rich as Ron. (May 15, 2009)

Master Chief Sucks at Remakes 2

2009-05-08T23:16:00.001-04:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 9 (May 2009)

2009-05-03T02:12:00.004-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009 or 2010. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh II (7/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
MAG: Massive Action Game (Q3 2009) Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009) DS
APB (2009) PC
Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (2010) DS
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Possibly cancelled) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Timesplitters 4 (Possibly cancelled) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii

Master Chief vs Hillary Clinton

2009-04-20T19:26:00.001-04:00

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Wiki

2009-04-05T13:48:00.000-04:00

The Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Wiki is new and improved as a full Wikia site. It can be found at http://masterchiefsucks.wikia.com!

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 8 (April 2009)

2009-04-04T12:02:00.003-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh II (7/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Modern Warfare 2 (11/10/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009) DS
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Possibly cancelled) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Timesplitters 4 (Possibly cancelled) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii

Master Chief Sucks at Computers

2009-03-23T19:01:00.001-04:00

Master Chief Sucks at Super Smash Bros.

2009-03-10T22:20:00.001-04:00

Watchmen--Review

2009-03-04T17:32:00.001-05:00

Well, my brain has finally restructured itself, and I think I can type some coherent thoughts.

My memory of the movie is a bit foggy, especially during the first ten minutes or so, which was mostly spent with the thought “THIS IS FUCKING WATCHMEN” running through my head repeatedly. Obviously, I have to see it again to make a detailed analysis from an objective viewpoint and not from the viewpoint of a seven year fan more concerned with not pissing himself than actually critiquing the movie.

The opening fight between Blake and the “mask killer” is stunning. It takes a few punches to get used to Zack Snyder's 300-brand signature “slow-mo speed up,” which doesn't happen nearly as much as I feared it would, but as soon as I got in the groove of the style I was swept up by watching this epic fight actually play out. Yes, it's a bit “over the top” in places like Blake punching through the corner of his fireplace or being strong-armed into his coffee table, but I got into the mentality of watching it as an exaggerated commentary on superhero fight scenes. You see things like this in The Dark Knight and other “serious” superhero movies, but nobody bleeds, there's no sense they're being injured. On the other hand, Blake's final moments had me cringe with awesomeness (and pity) at times because you can really see him getting the shit knocked out of him. Seeing him go through the window was chilling.

After this comes the awesome opening montage, a very Forrest Gump-like merging of the superheroes (Minutemen and Crimebusters/Watchmen) with various historical events. I'd already heard about most of them, but it was still intriguing to see them in context with the Bob Dylan song playing over the credits montage. After this we pick up in the main story. This is where the movie's main “problem,” the pacing, becomes evident. I say “problem” in quotation marks because this theatrical cut of the movie, at 2 hours and 37 minutes, is not the full movie, and not the “finished product.” Much of the little snippets that have been cut are from the middle chapters. This makes the movie's content very frontloaded—Chapters I, II, and III feel like an hour (and they might be, I wasn't checking the time) when you incorporate the flashbacks during Blake's funeral. The flashbacks, by the way, are very well done, and shot-for-shot from the book.

Dr. Manhattan's interview with the reporters feels truncated, and I understand that it's longer in the extended cut. At some points it feels that instead of hitting the “main points” of each scene, they simply go through 90% of the dialogue straight from the book as nods to the fans, but then leave the often-pivotal final 10% off suddenly as they run out of time. Again, all this will obviously be fixed in the director's cut version of the movie. It never really harms the movie that much, but I can tell where a scene is supposed to be longer.

Anyway, Dr. Manhattan's flashbacks are better than I ever expected they would be. They play along the disjointed time narrative just like the book, but this sequence knows where to take liberties from the book. For example, the slow-motion falling photograph is not in the movie: in a comic book with panels that can be done perfectly; in a movie it would look cliché. Adrian's assassination attempt is one of the first examples of a scene being done more dramatically than the book for the purpose of pleasing the fratboys expecting X-Men 4. At first I was iffy on this altered scene, but as I replay it in my head I like it more and more. Had this scene been done shot-for-shot like the book, it would have been very short and anticlimactic. Rorschach's arrest and prison scenes are some of the best in the movie, as are his flashbacks, though I wish the Malcolm Long interview was longer. It's not confirmed, but I bet this is one of those director's cut additions.

At this point I feel I should mention the violence, considering Rorschach's flashbacks. The violence is very Tarantino-style. Again, it's something you have to get used to, but it doesn't take long. You feel like it's being exaggerated for the purpose of deconstruction, again bringing back the TDK reference and how this movie is trying to show what actually happens when you bend someone's arm backwards or shove a cleaver in their head. I should also mention the music here because it fits very well into the movie. Having listened to the soundtrack almost continuously the past few days, I was afraid it would be embedded in my brain and not phase me during the movie, but I was wrong. Music is used in the right places almost all the time. I say “almost” because of one scene, the only part I felt was somewhat corny, where Dan and Laurie have sex on the Owlship. The music is “Hallelujah” (I don't know the artist, but it's that song from that part in Shrek). Because Dan and Laurie's scenes in Chapter VII are rushed a bit, it almost felt like a drawn-out or needless sex scene rather than the culmination of their relationship. Almost, but not quite.

The Mars scenes are clearly shortened a bit. Malin Ackerman as Laurie is the weakest link of the cast as I always predicted. She's not bad, but not the best Laurie possible. Speaking of being the best possible character, Jackie Earle Haley might as well change his legal name to Walter Kovacs, because he was born to be Rorschach. Patrick Wilson was a great Dan and I can't think of anyone who would be better in the role. Billy Crudup was a perfect Dr. Manhattan, and his voice was not “too quiet” as I was afraid it would be from clips released before the movie. He sounds perfectly disconnected and careless. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is a wonderful Blake and he steals the show in most of his scenes. As my favorite character, I always had my own Adrian voice and my own preconceived notions of his demeanor, so I was always afraid, even before Matthew Goode was cast, that I wouldn't be able to like his character in the movie, but I was wrong. He comes off as a saddened man looking at a bleak future, just as he should. Even though the infamous “asshole smile” scene itself is not in the movie verbatim, there are plenty of other pefect moments where he acts smug and arrogant, taking the world's problems upon himself.

Anyway, back to the story. After Mars things start to pick up again. The confrontation at Karnak is perfect as Adrian explains everything; he really feels like he has to do this to save the world. Everything is played straight to the perfect climax where Adrian reveals he triggered it thirty-five minutes ago. Wait, triggered it? Yes, this infamous line change is in the movie, but it's no big deal. “Triggered it,” “did it,” it's not a huge issue, especially since the fantastic destruction of New York City happens immediately afterwards. I spotted the Bernies, and they're confirmed to have more scenes during the director's cut. As directly unimportant as they are, I hope the other minor New York characters have at least a line of dialogue or two in the extended cut. It helps drive home that Adrian killed real people with real lives and not faceless puppets. The notorious change that everyone and their mother has bitched about for five months straight works perfectly; the new “weapon” has a very sufficient backstory weaved throughout the movie so it doesn't feel shoehorned in. After this the final chapter plays out mostly the same as the book. Rorschach's death scene was very moving. There's an interesting addition to the ending which I can tell was demanded by the studio. It actually felt like it worked within the movie's more fleshed out relationships between certain characters and is much better than the horrid alternative present in many earlier scripts of the movie. After this everything happens mostly the same as the book's ending, and then...it was over. Two and a half plus hours flew by.

In conclusion, I thought this was pretty much the best Watchmen adaptation there could possibly be. Again, it's difficult for me to thoroughly critique the movie without seeing it a second time to actually “watch” and not just “see” it. If there's one thing that truly “hurts” the movie, it's the addition of nods to the fans that serve no other story role, like Bubastis, which could have been removed or sent to the director's cut bin instead of other scenes. I very eagerly await the director's cut, which will be 3 hours and 10 minutes (the cut with Tales of the Black Freighter will be 3 hours and ~30 minutes), as I know the pacing issues will be resolved with just a bit more substance. All in all, I give Watchmen a 9.5/10, with the safe knowledge that I can give it that perfect score when I've seen everything I'm supposed to.

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 7 (March 2009)

2009-03-04T17:31:00.000-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh (3/4/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Pokemon Platinum (3/22/09) DS
Nintendo DSi (4/5/09) DS
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (11/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Possibly cancelled) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Timesplitters 4 (Possibly cancelled) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii

Master Chief Sucks at Constants

2009-02-27T22:11:00.002-05:00

Master Chief Sucks at Time Travel

2009-02-11T23:15:00.002-05:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 6 (February 2009)

2009-02-06T18:07:00.000-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Watchmen: The End is Nigh (3/4/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Pokemon Platinum (3/22/09) DS
Nintendo DSi (Rumored Q2 2009) DS
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (11/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Possibly cancelled) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Timesplitters 4 (Possibly cancelled) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii

Master Chief Minisodes Press Releases

2009-01-24T13:27:00.003-05:00

"Master Chief Minisode 1: Chad Warden" – The King recruits a new villain to his cause: the irritating Youtube fanboy Chad Warden. "Master Chief Minisodes" stars AT&T Rich as the King and Microsoft Sam as Master Chief. Guest starring are Chad Warden as himself and James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd. (July 5, 2008)

"Master Chief Minisode 2: Angry Video Game Nerd" – The King convinces the famous Angry Video Game Nerd to join his elite team of villains. "Master Chief Minisodes" stars AT&T Rich as the King and Microsoft Sam as Master Chief. Guest starring are James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, and Chris Hansen as himself. (July 23, 2008)

"Master Chief Minisode 3: Chris Hansen" – The King employs Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" to frame Master Chief for owning child porn. "Master Chief Minisodes" stars AT&T Rich as the King and Microsoft Sam as Master Chief. Guest starring are Chris Hansen as himself, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, and Audacity Charles as Barack Obama. (August 1, 2008)

"Master Chief Minisode 4: Barack Obama" – The King learns that Barack Obama has infiltrated the prison and is trying to help Master Chief. "Master Chief Minisodes" stars AT&T Rich as the King and Microsoft Sam as Master Chief. Guest starring are Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, AT&T Christine as Intruder Alarm, and AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton. (August 11, 2008)

"Master Chief Minisode 5: Hillary Clinton" – The King meets Hillary Clinton, a dangerous new character with her own agenda who may be friend or foe. "Master Chief Minisodes" stars AT&T Rich as the King and Microsoft Sam as Master Chief. Guest starring are AT&T Crystal as Hillary Clinton, Audacity Charles as Barack Obama, Chad Warden as himself, James Rolfe as the Angry Video Game Nerd, Chris Hansen as himself, Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, and Microsoft Mary as Cortana. (August 25, 2008)

Master Chief Sucks at Ordering: Season 1 Press Releases

2009-01-23T15:21:00.004-05:00

"Master Chief Sucks at Ordering McDonalds" – Master Chief is a rude, vulgar, unhelpful soldier who attempts to teach viewers about the finer parts of life...like eating at McDonalds! Join Master Chief in the first episode of this exciting new series! "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. (October 3, 2007)

"Master Chief Sucks at Ordering at Restaurants" – Master Chief teaches viewers about ordering food from restaurants and other important details about fine dining. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. (October 17, 2007)

"Master Chief Sucks at Ordering Finales" – Master Chief gathers an army to fend off CATS and stop the cancellation of Super Smash Bros. Brawl! "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. Guest starring are Talkany Strong Man as Ridley, Talkany Fly as Ganondorf, LH Michelle as Samus Aran, CD-i King as Link, CD-i Mario as himself, and Mama Luigi as himself. (October 26, 2007)

"Master Chief vs Jack Thompson" – Master Chief faces off against the dangerous lawyer Jack Thompson, who wishes to block the release of Halo 3 and all other violent video games. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. Guest starring are Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, LH Michelle as Newswoman, and Talkany Old Woman as Judge. (December 7, 2007)

"Master Chief vs Scientology" – Master Chief returns to combat a new threat: the dangerous Church of Scientology. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, LH Michael as the Arbiter, and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. Guest starring are AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard, Talkany Martian as Xenu, AT&T Mike as Anonymous, Talkany Little Man as Recruiting Scientologist, and Talkany Imaginary Man as Prison Guard. (April 11, 2008)

"Master Chief Sucks at Online Dating" – Master Chief teaches viewers about using online dating websites and how to make yourself look good for the ladies. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, LH Michael as the Arbiter, and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. (April 25, 2008)

"Master Chief Sucks at Making Videos" – Master Chief teaches viewers how to make videos like his own in this "behind the scenes" special. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, LH Michael as the Arbiter, and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. Guest starring is AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard. (May 9, 2008)

"Master Chief Sucks at Remakes" – Master Chief's first adventure remade with better audio. "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, LH Michael as the Arbiter, and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. (May 19, 2008)

"Master Chief: The Finale (Parts 1 and 2)" – Master Chief prepares for the ultimate showdown against evil in the exciting season 1 climax! As CATS readies his forces, an elite team of heroes challenges him in a battle of good vs evil! "Master Chief Sucks at Ordering" stars Microsoft Sam as Master Chief, LH Michael as the Arbiter, and Talkany Big Robot as CATS. Guest starring are Talkany Nerd as Jack Thompson, AT&T Charles as L. Ron Hubbard, Talkany Man as Tom Cruise, Talkany Woman as Samus Aran, LH Michelle as Newswoman, and AT&T Rich as the leader. (May 23, 2008)

Watchmen Widget

2009-01-20T22:02:00.001-05:00

Master Chief vs the Superweapon

2009-01-17T21:12:00.002-05:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 5 (January 2009)

2009-01-03T14:39:00.002-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

The Lord of the Rings: Conquest (1/13/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Pokemon Platinum (3/22/09) DS
Watchmen: The End is Nigh (3/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Nintendo DSi (Rumored Q2 2009) DS
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (11/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Possibly cancelled) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Timesplitters 4 (Possibly cancelled) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii

Master Chief sucks at ordering 2009 Super trailer

2008-12-24T12:24:00.001-05:00

New Poster

2008-12-22T17:49:00.002-05:00

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 4 (December 2008)

2008-12-03T20:34:00.001-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

The Lord of the Rings: Conquest (1/13/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Pokemon Platinum (Rumored 3/22/09) DS
Watchmen: The End is Nigh (3/09) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Nintendo DSi (Rumored Q2 2009) DS
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (11/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
Star Wars: Battlefront III (2009) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
Timesplitters 4 (2009) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Master Chief Meets the Network

2008-11-22T23:29:00.002-05:00

Master Chief Sucks at Voting and Absolute Watchmen

2008-11-04T12:36:00.002-05:00

Master Chief sucks at voting is up.

Also, I got Absolute Watchmen today, bow down to me.

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 3 (November 2008)

2008-11-03T21:46:00.001-05:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2008 or 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Call of Duty: World at War (11/11/08) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Sonic Unleashed (11/18/08) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii, Playstation 2

Watchmen: The End is Nigh (Q1 2009) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
The Lord of the Rings: Conquest (1/13/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Rumored 3/15/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Pokemon Platinum (Rumored 4/09) DS
Nintendo DSi (Rumored Q2 2009) DS
Call of Duty 6 (Rumored 11/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
Timesplitters 4 (2009) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Watching the second Watchmen trailer

2008-10-22T18:04:00.005-04:00

I made all the screencaps two large images (one consisting of scenes before the instrumental and one afterwords) so I didn't have to save 20+ pictures. I apologize for the low quality of the pictures; no high quality version of the trailer existed at the time. Click each image to make it larger (and readable). Enjoy.

Watchmen's ending changes

2008-10-17T20:55:00.002-04:00

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS HUGE SPOILERS FOR BOTH THE GRAPHIC NOVEL AND MOVIE WATCHMEN! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY SPOILED!

So, as you may have heard, Watchmen, my most anticipated movie of next year (and possibly of all time) was pre-screened last night at a theater in Portland, Oregon. Passes to the screening were handed out discreetly a week ago to people unfamiliar with the book. Two days ago, a website leaked information about the screening and hordes of fans rushed to the theater, only to find, as Adrian Veidt would say, "passes were handed out thirty-five minutes ago"...or, more correctly, a week ago. I can only imagine the fans are rushing the site owner's house right now, and his fate may be less than pleasant...

Last night, people returned from the screening with nondisclosure agreements. Nonetheless, two stalwart viewers raced to IMDb and posted about the experience. One had never read the book, the other was a fan. Both greatly enjoyed the movie, with the non-book reader declaring it his favorite superhero movie. However, fans were less interested in the quality of the movie and more interested in the climax. In the book, Adrian Veidt (aka Ozymandias) teleports a giant, manmade alien into New York City, creating an explosion that kills a million people. The warmongering United States and Soviet Union ally against the nonexistent alien threat. Adrian exclaims "I did it!" and is left alive by Dr. Manhattan, Nite Owl, and Silk Spectre because otherwise, the world will fall back into chaos. Only Rorschach disagrees, and forces Dr. Manhattan to kill him.

In the movie, according to these two posters, things occur a little differently. Throughout the movie, Adrian and Dr. Manhattan are allegedly working on an alternative energy source project. Adrian secretly uses this technology to create powerful bombs which he proceeds to drop on major population centers. Dr. Manhattan is held responsible, but he goes along with the plan for the same reasons as the book. Rorschach is still stubborn, and gets disintegrated. Adrian is still left alive, a pivotal detail altered in David Hayter's 2003 draft, which featured a Hollywood-style showdown between Adrian and Nite Owl. Fans have suspected a collusion between Adrian and Dr. Manhattan ever since an eagle eyed fan noticed something amiss in this scene:

The terminal behind Dr. Manhattan (and his clones) shows a person that fans claimed was Adrian. Well, it looks like those "conspiracy theorists" might have been right. Now, I'm not sure how I like this new ending. On the one hand, what I want is an enjoyable movie, even if the ending is not perfect. On the other hand, if the ending leaves out pivotal details, then it becomes too naggingly "wrong" for me to enjoy. Right now, we don't have enough details about the context of the ending for me to make an accurate judgment. For now, I leave you with this random shot of Dr. Manhattan's crystal palace:

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 2 (October 2008)

2008-10-10T16:40:00.006-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2008 or 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Call of Duty: World at War (11/11/08) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Sonic Unleashed (11/18/08) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii, Playstation 2

Watchmen (Q1 2009) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
The Lord of the Rings: Conquest (1/13/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Rumored 3/15/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Pokemon Platinum (Rumored 4/09) DS
Nintendo DSi (Rumored Q2 2009) DS
Call of Duty 6 (Rumored 11/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Metroid Prime (2009) Wii
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2009) Wii
LostMagic Wii (2009) Wii
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty (2009) PC
APB (2009) PC
Timesplitters 4 (2009) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
MAG: Massive Action Game (2009) Playstation 3
StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm (TBA) PC
StarCraft II: Legacy of the Void (TBA) PC

Crysis Warhead--Review

2008-09-25T17:58:00.000-04:00

"An excellent expansion that improves on the original in every way"

Crysis Warhead is a standalone expansion for last year’s revolutionary first person shooter Crysis, but it’s more like a pseudosequel-and I mean that in a good way. The game improves upon every aspect of the original to leave a much more polished experience.

Gameplay: Multiplayer: Crysis Warhead’s multiplayer mode, now called Crysis Wars, brings back two multiplayer modes from the original game as well as a much-needed new mode. The first mode is Power Struggle. Power Struggle involves players being divided into teams and dropped into an enormous map filled with buildings and vehicles. Players must then capture buildings while earning “prestige,” currency you can use to buy new weapons, attachments, ammo, and vehicles. Prestige is earned by capturing buildings and killing enemies. Certain buildings produce vehicles, of which there is a huge selection of land, sea, and air vehicles; others produce weapons and allow you to use them as spawn points.

The main building is the Prototype Factory, which produces ice-based alien weapons and nuclear devices. The Prototype Factory slowly charges when it is captured, with a separate charge for each team. The process of charging can be sped up by capturing alien crash sites. At 50% the team who owns it can produce alien weapons. At 100%, however, nuclear tanks and weapons become available. Nuclear weapons are required to destroy your enemy’s otherwise impenetrable base.

Power Struggle hasn’t seen many changes since the original game. The most inherent flaw-some weapons and vehicles are too expensive for ordinary players to buy, causing better players to dominate an entire team-remains unchanged, though admittedly this is something that can’t really be changed without altering the entire game mode. However, one overall better feature in the online modes is the elimination of lag. While lag is obviously still a factor, its been trimmed down to a reasonable level by fixing the server system.

While the standard deathmatch mode remains, one huge difference is the addition of team deathmatch, an almost standard online shooter feature missing from the original game. Unfortunately, the team deathmatch brings to light an irritating weapon balance problem that isn’t as apparent in Power Struggle. Essentially, some weapons are so weak that they take an entire clip to kill an enemy, meaning if you stumble across a foe with a better weapon, you’re done for, no matter how early you caught them off guard. Suit functions remain virtually useless in the deathmatch modes, a disappointing factor.

Gameplay: Singleplayer: On a happier note, Warhead’s singleplayer is leaps and bounds beyond the original’s. You play as Psycho, one of the player’s allies from the first game, in a parallel story that takes place during the events of the first game on the other side of the island. The large island is much more sandbox oriented than before, letting you choose how you approach enemies and bases. All of the suit functions return: there’s Maximum Strength, which grants you superhuman physical abilities; Maximum Speed, which lets you run faster; and Cloaking, which turns you invisible. Maximum Armor is the default mode, and it restores suit energy, the essence that dictates how long you can use the other suit modes.

Warhead’s singleplayer pacing is much better. While the original game had long stretches of time where no action was occurring, Psycho’s mission takes the player into the heart of the North Korean-infested jungle island, and action is occurring almost constantly, making for a much more exciting and intense experience. The story is also much more interesting: it is told through third person cutscenes, rather than first person like the original, letting you get to know Psycho better than the first game’s protagonist Nomad. Other characters are Psycho’s old friend O’Neill, female commander Emerson, and the villainous North Korean colonel Lee. There are some emotional scenes in the story that make you care much more about Warhead’s plot than the original’s one-sided characters. The singleplayer itself isn’t very long-only 3-7 hours-but this is reasonable when you remember that despite its improvements, Warhead is still just an expansion and not a full game.

Graphics: There’s not much to say here. Warhead’s graphics do not disappoint, and the Crysis series continues to stand on top as the best looking games ever made. The graphics themselves have been slightly improved in some areas, and the game is better optimized to run on weaker computers in an attempt to shatter the graphical powerhouse stigma associated with Crysis. The physics are incredible as always-it’s quite satisfying to pick up an enemy soldier and hurl him through a wall, causing the entire structure to collapse on a nearby group of foes. One sequence in particular, which involves a hovercraft chase over a frozen ocean with waves frozen in place as natural halfpipes, is one of the most beautiful action sequences in a video game.

Music: Warhead’s music is somewhat different than the original’s, and in a good way. Guitar riffs accompany the more action-oriented soundtrack, making it much more appropriate than the original game’s more quiet and oriental pieces. The amazing score that plays during the abovementioned hovercraft chase only enhances the awe of that scene.

Replayability: Warhead’s singleplayer is very replayable, due to the open-ended gameplay that allows for a different approach each time. One time you may wish to sneak around a base, silencing enemies while invisible, Predator-style. Another time you might want to charge in with a vehicle and a machine gun like Rambo. It’s all up to you, and leaves different results each time.

TOTAL: Crysis Warhead improves on the original Crysis in so many ways that it seems like an understatement to simply call it an expansion. The singleplayer, graphics, and music are so much better that it could be considered a pseudosequel. The multiplayer, while still enjoyable, continues to be a load of missed potential.

Score: 9/10
Release date: September 18, 2008
Platform: PC
Originally written for GameFAQs

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots--Review

2008-09-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

"An epic conclusion to one of the best franchises of all time"

Metal Gear Solid 4 has finally arrived, and has brought an amazing conclusion to the Metal Gear series. We’ve been waiting for this epic climax for 20 years-so how does it hold up? Well, the answer is that it holds up well-really well.

Gameplay: MGS4 takes the standard Metal Gear gameplay and perfects it. Essentially, the gameplay revolves around the tried-and-true stealth mechanism-hide from enemies, and if they see you, do everything you can to kill them before they summon more goons. However, MGS4 brings a new flavor to the table-many times, you won’t have anywhere to hide. In the game’s massive war scenes, you don’t have any choice but to go in Rambo style. At this point, the game’s excellent third person shooting comes into play. There’s an enormous selection of weapons in the game, and you can use any of them, as well as a revamped close quarters combat system, against foes.

Control is streamlined, easy, and fluid. The camera system is unusually good for a third person game and never hinders gameplay. The new weapons system also works well. Every weapon you find on the battlefield has been ID tagged, making it useless. This is where newcomer Drebin comes in. For a fee, Drebin will untag these weapons to make them usable by you. When you find duplicate weapons, you can sell them to Drebin for currency. This system is very easy and helps to extend replayability for collectors trying to find every weapon.

Enemy AI is also superb. Enemies work together when alerted and prowl the area constantly. It takes all your skill to escape through enemy-infested areas. You’ll need to use other technology to your advantage as well. The new Solid Eye allows you to see enemies’ health and status, as well as in night vision and binoculars modes. Snake’s suit is fitted with Octocamo, allowing you to blend in automatically when pressed against walls or other surfaces. A new Psyche meter decreases when in combat or other stressful situations, causing Snake to move slower and fire less accurately. However, Psyche does not negatively effect gameplay and recharges at a reasonable rate.

Boss fights are fun and require thought to win. The new Beauty and the Beast Corps are terrifying exciting to fight. In addition, fights against classic MGS bosses bring layers of nostalgia to the duels. All-out firefights against hordes of enemies are just as fun as you try to find the best way to eliminate large groups of foes. Overall, MGS4 brings the perfect mix of stealth and action that the series has been trying to achieve for a decade.

Story: I normally include story as part of the gameplay review, but MGS4 has such a sheer amount of story and cutscenes that it deserves its own category. The story in MGS4 is, simply put, the best story of any video game ever created. The epic conclusion to the Metal Gear story even made me nearly tear up. The cutscenes in the game, especially the action sequences, are of such high quality that they could be trimmed down to 2 hours and put in a movie theater as a full length movie.

It’s difficult to jump straight into the story, so I’ll explain the current situation as best as possible. The great hero Solid Snake, clone of the legendary warrior Big Boss, has been rapidly aging as a result of the flawed cloning that created him. Meanwhile, his arch-enemy and twin brother Liquid Snake, who died in the first game, came back to somehow gain control over his surviving henchman, Revolver Ocelot, and is using him as a vessel to take over the world. This is achieved through destroying the Patriots, a series of supercomputers that control the entire world. Snake and his allies-the computer genius Hal “Otacon” Emmerich, retired colonel Roy Campbell, old ally Meryl Silverburgh, and the now-cyborg hero Raiden-take on Liquid/Ocelot and his villainous assistants, including the un-killable Vamp and the quartet of insane young women in armored animal suits, called the Beauty and the Beast Corps. Snake must travel the world in pursuit of Ocelot while racing against time, as the FOXDIE virus injected into his body in the first game could kill him at any moment. The stakes are high and the tension leaves you at the edge of your seat for the whole game.

The game’s cutscenes are phenomenal, especially the fight scenes. Raiden and Vamp’s sword/knife fight at the end of the second act puts the Matrix to shame, and several other fight scenes make you wonder just why this series hasn’t been sent to the big screen yet (although Hollywood is trying). The cutscenes do get a bit long, but despite popular belief, there is just as much gameplay in MGS4 as any other action game-there’s just a disproportionate amount of cutscenes. The story needs to be seen to be believed, and leaves you wanting more while simultaneously waiting throughout the game for the incredible conclusion.

Graphics: MGS4 easily brings the best graphics on the PS3, pushing the console to the limits. It’s also the first PS3 game that clearly cannot be done on the Xbox 360 (a few easter eggs joke about the rumored 360 port). Unlike many games with rendered cutscenes, the quality of the graphics stay just as high in the normal gameplay as they do in the cutscenes. Incredible attention to detail provides the best visual experience on any current console. There is a lot of brown and grey, but that’s to be expected in a game that spends a lot of time in war-torn battlegrounds. Every character, every vehicle, and every location is designed as realistically as possible. Smaller effects, like explosions and battle noises, help immerse you in the world and makes you feel like you’re really there.

Music: Many action games skimp out on the soundtrack in favor of graphics, but not MGS4, which features one of the best soundtracks of any game. The Metal Gear series is no stranger to good music, but MGS4’s nostalgia-filled tracks combine with exciting new music to create the perfect soundtrack. Even better is the ingame iPod (yes, Apple is still brainwashing millions even in an age of rampant warfare) which allows you to unlock music from past and present Metal Gear games to play at any point during the game.

Replayability: MGS4 has an enormous amount of things to see and do within the game. In addition to dozens of weapons, there are also many unlockable easter eggs and hidden jokes in the game to find. Some unlockable items include new facecamo, which changes Snake’s face, and new Octocamo patterns. There are also some hysterical easter eggs that range from the nostalgic (unplug the controller during the Screaming Mantis fight) to the overly masculine (try shaking the controller during conversations with Rosemary). The game is filled with references to past games that will keep veteran players laughing or taking a trip down memory lane. The ranking and difficulty system will keep hardcore veterans playing again and again to get the best awards.

TOTAL: Metal Gear Solid 4 is easily the best game on the PS3 and one of the best games of this generation, if not of all time. The perfect mix of action, stealth, story, graphics, music, and replayability brings in a game that deserves to be experienced.

Score: 10/10
Release date: June 12, 2008
Platforms: Playstation 3
Originally written for GameFAQs

There's something in the water

2008-09-05T16:34:00.000-04:00

There's something in the water laptops are drinking, and it isn't the healthy kind. I know three people who have experienced some kind of "blue screen of death" over the last week:

My friend George (Error message unknown)
My friend Dave's mom (Error message: cannot find System32 files)
My friend Zombamazomba (Error message unknown)

Now, laptops fail all the time, but it's interesting that three people I know have had laptops fail in such a quick span of time. I'm betting there's something going around.

Now, I did manage to fix my friend's mom's laptop, which originally gave the following error upon startup:

STOP: c0000218
The registry cannot load the hive(file):
\SystemRoot\System32\Config\SOFTWARE
or its log or alternate.

It is corrupt, absent, or not writable.

Beginning dump of physical memory.
Dumping physical memory to disk:"

In order to fix this, I first loaded the original Windows XP SP1 disc that came with a different computer and managed to boot from the disc. Then I accessed the recovery console and entered the following lines:

md tmp
copy C:\windows\system32\config\system C:\windows\tmp\system.bak
delete C:\windows\system32\config\system
copy C:\windows\repair\system C:\windows\system32\config\system

This allowed the computer to reboot as normal, recovering the System32 files it was unable to locate originally. I don't know what my other friends' problems are, but if they are related to this issue, there's the solution.

As for what's causing this, I'd like to say a virus, but it's unlikely. It's possibly some kind of rampant registry error common among these types of laptops.

Tropic Thunder--Review

2008-09-04T18:43:00.000-04:00

"I'm a LEAD FARMER motherfucker!"

Tropic Thunder has, quite simply, renewed my faith in comedy. After months of crying at commercials for Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, my hopes weren't high upon finding out I was going to be seeing a parody movie, even after I'd chuckled a few times at the trailer attached to The Dark Knight. Instead, I came out pleasantly surprised and practically crying with laughter.

The movie is a parody of Hollywood war movies, but unlike most parodies, the plot actually revolves around a "movie-within-the-movie." From the very beginning the movie attempts to immerse you in the idea that you're actually watching the chronicle of a group of actors-and I mean the VERY beginning. Right after the real trailers end, a series of fake trailers for movies that the film's "stars" have appeared in play before the movie. They range from blatent spoofs ("Scorcher VI," a parody of repetitve action movie sequels) to incredibly clever ("Satan's Alley," which "stars" Tobey Maguire and Robert Downey Jr.'s character as gay monks). Afterwords, the real movie begins.

We learn that the opening action sequence is really part of a movie called Tropic Thunder, which is based off a fake book of the same name written by a Vietnam War veteran named Four Leaf Tayback (Nick Nolte). The movie's actors include fading action star Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller); five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), who has undergone an operation to make himself black to play his African American character; and Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), who is tired of his roles as multiple characters in childish comedy movies. Other characters are rapper-turned-actor Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), who is disgruntled at Lazarus's role as a black man; rookie actor Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel); the film's irritated director Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan); and the movie's special effects wizard Cody Underwood (Danny McBride). When the actors' egos prevent them from filming the already behind schedule and over budget movie, Four Leaf suggests to director Cockburn that the actors be filmed in the actual jungles of Vietnam with hidden cameras.

Hilarity quickly ensues, however, when Cockburn is unceremoniously killed, stranding the actors in the middle of the jungle. Only Lazarus realises the gravity of the situation; the rest believe the director's death was a stunt and the movie is still going. As the actors squabble, a nearby drug smuggling ring mistakes the actors for real soldiers and attacks them, eventually capturing Speedman, who still thinks the smugglers are part of the movie thanks to a series of coincidences between his script and the real events.

Back in the outside world, Speedman's agent, Rick Pecker (Matthew McConaughey) realises his client and friend is in trouble and pleads with the movie's foulmouthed financial backer, Les Grossman, to rescue the actors, but Grossman is more interested in collecting the insurance claim on Speedman's impending death. The other actors are forced to try and work together to rescue Speedman before it's too late.

The funniest parts of Tropic Thunder are, by far, the dialogue scenes. Robert Downey Jr. in particular owns every scene he is in; his over-the-top attempt at playing a black man causes him to repeatedly clash with real African American Alpa Chino. Many of the lines in the movie are instantly quotable material, and the dialogue scenes help the movie's pacing in between the well-directed action sequences.

Tropic Thunder is not without its flaws, however. A number of character-based subplots are started but, for whatever reason, are either resolved quickly or not resolved at all. For example, Speedman's hope of adopting a child is a running plot in the movie, but it all leads up to a simple joke at the end of the movie. Similarly, all other subplots are resolved through a joke, gag, or line of dialogue. The only exception to this rule is Simple Jack, the movie Speedman previously acted in before Tropic Thunder. The movie involves Speedman playing a severely mentally handicapped man in a parody of movies like Forrest Gump. The movie is a flop, but is referenced repeatedly and becomes part of the plot. Speedman's annoyance at not receiving an Oscar for his role (like Tom Hanks did for Forrest Gump) prompts Lazarus's now infamously controversial speech about never "going full retard" in a movie, lest the actor be robbed of a potential award; overall the Simple Jack plotline does create several funny scenes.

In the end, Tropic Thunder is a surprisingly hilarious movie and the best comedy in years. The movie's horde of quotable lines should prompt repeat viewings, among a number of clever jokes and references you may not catch the first time. The best easter egg of all, however, is not revealed until the end credits, but eagle-eyed viewers may pick up the joke earlier in the movie (don't worry, the surprise occurs during the credits, not after them, so there's no need to sit through the whole thing). I suggest anyone who loves comedy to see this movie.

Score: 9/10
Release date: August 15, 2008

Upcoming Games of Interest, volume 1 (September 2008)

2008-09-04T18:35:00.001-04:00

The following is a list of games I have some interest in that are being released in 2008 or 2009. Games marked in bold are definite buys, while games not marked in bold require waiting to see if they will be good or not.

Crysis Warhead (9/16/08) PC
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (9/16/08) Xbox 260, Playstation 3, Wii, Playstation 2
The Lord of the Rings: Conquest (11/4/08) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Call of Duty: World at War (11/11/08) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Sonic Unleashed (11/18/08) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii, Playstation 2

Watchmen (Q1 2009) PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Store
Star Wars: Battlefront III (Rumored 3/15/09) PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii
Pokemon Platinum (Rumored 4/09) DS
APB (2009) PC
Timesplitters 4 (2009) Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii

Super Smash Bros. Brawl--Review

2008-09-04T18:33:00.000-04:00

"An epic, amazingly fun game that lives up to the hype"

It's been seven years since Super Smash Bros. Melee soared to first place as one of the GameCube's most beloved games. Finally, its much anticipated sequel, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, has arrived. But how does Brawl live up to Melee? How well does it stand on its own?

Gameplay: Multiplayer: The Super Smash Bros. series revolves around a deceptively simple mechanic-unlike most fighting games, your goal is to knock the enemy off the stage into oblivion, rather than whittling down their health. Each character has a percentage that increases as they take damage; the higher the percentage, the farther they fly, and subsequently have a harder time recovering to the stage. Although this seems easy, most enemies will not just fall to their doom, and you'll often have a tough fight ahead of you before knocking the enemy away.

Items are a pivotal and controversial method of defeating your enemies. There are dozens of items for your use that stem from all Nintendo franchises-throwing a Poke ball will make a Pokemon appear to assist you for a short time, and grabbing a Heart Container will drop your percentage and help you survive longer. Items can be turned on or off for those who don't like using them.

Another important gameplay mechanic is the stage itself. More than a simple platform for fighting, almost all stages in Brawl have their quirks, known as “stage hazards,” which cause harm to any player or disrupt the battle in some way. For example, the Halberd stage, from the Kirby universe, involves fighting on a small platform that eventually docks with the main Halberd ship, where cannons and bombs can injure the combatants.

But simple multiplayer brawling is far from the only game mode. Many modifiers, called “Special Brawls,” can be used to change up the fight. For example, in a metal Brawl, all players start off affected by the metal box item, making them heavier and fall faster, and in a giant Brawl, every player is huge. “Stadium” game modes return from Melee, but are now co-op. Stadium modes include the Home Run Contest, where the goal is to knock a sandbag as far as possible with a home run bat, the Multi Man Brawls, where goals involve defeating as many computer-controlled enemies as possible under various conditions, and the Target Test, where you choose your favorite character and attempt to break ten targets as quickly as possible. There is never any shortage of things to do with friends.

However, the biggest change in multiplayer from Melee to Brawl is not how you play with your friends, but who you play with instead-because Brawl uses the Nintendo Wi-Fi connection to allow online brawling. “With Anyone” allows you to have a standard 2-minute match against random opponents, while friend matches against registered friends allow you to customize all the options as normally as in a normal match. The Home Run Contest and Multi Man Brawls can also be played online with friends.

Gameplay: Singleplayer: Brawl has several modes that can played solo (or co-op, in some cases). Classic mode is the standard Super Smash Bros. singleplayer game, in which you face off against random opponents in several matches before a showdown with Master Hand. However, Adventure mode is the newest and most radically changed singleplayer mode. Adventure mode now has a story, called the Subspace Emissary, that can be played solo or with a friend. The plot revolves around a hooded enemy called the Ancient Minister, whose army of villains attempts to suck the world into dark portals made of Subspace. The varied roster of characters form interesting alliances and take on the Subspace Army-and for a story with no dialogue, there are some interesting plot twists. Gameplay in Adventure mode works differently-it's a sidescrolling beat-em-up where the goal is to make it to the end of the level without losing all of your characters. This seems easy, but on higher difficulties, it can be a real challenge.

In addition to Classic and Adventure, Event matches return from Melee. Event matches pit you, as a certain character, in various scenarios against other characters. Although the Events are not as varied as they were in Melee-most simply revolve around defeating one or more enemies as a specific character-they are still a fun diversion. There are even co-op Events that are completely different than the solo Events.

Graphics: Brawl pushes the Wii's graphics to the limit. Although some say there is no noticeable increase in graphics between Melee and Brawl, there is very clearly much more attention to detail. Mario's overalls are perfectly rendered, every piece of fur on Donkey Kong is visible, and metal characters gleam in the light. The graphics are likely the best on the Wii.

Music: The Super Smash Bros. series has always featured remixed versions of iconic Nintendo songs, but Brawl blows the previous track lists out of the water. There are almost 300 songs drawn from the many franchises of Nintendo, and at least half are completely remixed. While some of the more famous Nintendo songs are featured, there are also many selections that will surprise you-who ever thought of fighting to the tune of the Wii Shop Channel? A key new feature is My Music, which allows you to choose between many songs for each stage and decide the probability of each playing when you select the stage to fight. Not every song is unlocked at first, and must be collected by finding CDs, which randomly drop during battles. It's almost impossible to find a flaw in the music selection-with so many songs to choose from, there's something for everyone.

Replayability: Brawl possibly shines more in this department than any other. If the dozens of different modes were not enough, there are several interesting objects to collect. Trophies, small statuettes of hundreds of different Nintendo icons, return from Melee, and can be found both in singleplayer modes as well as in a new game where the focus is to use coins accumulated through simply playing the game to obtain new trophies. Stickers are a new item that can be found in all game modes. There are hundreds of stickers of many different Nintendo characters, and they can be attached to your character in Subspace Emissary to increase various powers, similar to stat buff items in an RPG. Both trophies and stickers can be arranged into various positions, and then you can take a picture of your design and send it to your friends. This feature also applies to normal brawls; pausing the screen allows you to alter the angle and distance of the camera and then take a snapshot.

However, the biggest addition to Brawl's replayability is the Stage Builder. The Stage Builder gives you a decent selection of pieces and a to place them on, and then lets you run wild. You can choose a background for the stage and a song from any you've unlocked, and even test the stage mid-construction to make sure it's playable. The only limit to the stages you can make is your own imagination.

Another feature bound to make matches more fun is the replay function. Any match less than 3 minutes long can be saved as a video. These replays can be sent to friends. In addition, pictures, replays, and stages can be sent to Nintendo, who will choose the best of each and distribute one a day to all players. These downloaded snapshots, replays, and stages disappear at the end of the day to make way for the next day's.

TOTAL: Brawl is the most replayable game on the Wii and likely its best game overall. There are so many single and multiplayer modes that its unlikely you'll get bored for a long time. In the end, Brawl is one of the best games this generation and is a definite buy for any Nintendo fan.

Score: 10/10
Release date: March 9, 2008
Platforms: Wii
Originally written for GameFAQs

Crysis--Review

2008-09-04T17:54:00.000-04:00

"An underrated gem in the FPS genre"

Crysis is a revolutionary shooter exclusive to the PC that has brought a whole new meaning to “interactivity.” Controversial before release for its famously high system requirements and lack of a console alternative, the game has become something of a punchline in gaming communities but has been a largely ignored classic-for those willing to literally pay the price.

Gameplay: Multiplayer: Crysis has two different multiplayer components: Instant Action, which is your standard deathmatch with the noticeably absent team component, and Power Struggle, a new and exciting game type that really brings replayability to the table.

Power Struggle seems simple: players are divided into teams, thrown into some of the largest maps ever created for a first person shooter, then told to capture buildings (a la Star Wars Battlefront) and kill opposing team members. This sounds easy until you learn that each building serves a specific purpose. Some build land vehicles like tanks, some build boats, some build aircraft, and others simply serve as spawn points where you can purchase weapons. Each time you perform a positive action-like killing an enemy or capturing a building-you get “prestige,” used as currency to buy weapons, ammo, weapon attachments, and vehicles. Weapons or vehicles can only be purchased at a building which your team controls. While the weapon selection is rather limited, there is a huge selection of vehicles to choose from, possibly the largest of any shooter.

The main target is the Prototype Factory, a large centerpiece building that produces alien technology and nuclear devices. When the Prototype Factory is captured by a team, it slowly begins charging; this process can be sped up by capturing alien crash sites. At 50% charge, ice-based alien technologies become available, but the big kahuna occurs at 100% charge, when nuclear missile-equipped tanks and the TAC Cannon, a handheld mini-nuke launcher, become available. To win Power Struggle, your team must blow up the opposing team’s base, which is otherwise impenetrable, with nuclear weapons.

Power Struggle is very fun and the core replayable component of Crysis, but it has a few flaws. The first major flaw is that some better weapons and vehicles simply cost too much for ordinary players to ever buy; thus battles are often won or lost based on a single good player’s performance. Secondly, lag is a major problem online-often times, shootouts will be won based on who has the better Internet connection.

Gameplay: Singleplayer: Crysis seems like an ordinary first person shooter, but there’s a twist-the player’s character is equipped with a “nanosuit.” This nanosuit gives you various superhuman abilities that you can toggle between at will. Maximum Armor is the default mode, which recharges your energy shields faster than other powers; energy is what powers your suit’s functions and extends your life. Maximum Strength gives you Hulk-like power and jumping abilities and lessened weapon recoil, but at the cost of energy recharge speed. Maximum Speed lets you run at extreme speed but drains energy quickly and rarely serves any good purpose. Finally, Cloaking allows you to go invisible and become practically undetected by enemies.

The nanosuit is used effectively during the first half of the game, but during the second half it begins to become more of a gimmick. It is easily possible to beat the game without ever using nanosuit powers unless they’re required. In addition, while the first few levels are very enjoyable for their sandbox-like gameplay, later levels are heavily linear and scripted. As far as story goes, Crysis isn’t anything special-a group of heavily armed soldiers are dropped into a mysterious jungle island where North Koreans have discovered an ancient alien stronghold. However, unlike other shooters where story is a nuisance, Crysis at least attempts to integrate the story with the gameplay-all cutscenes, for example, are in first person.

Graphics: Graphics are Crysis’s most coveted aspect. Quite simply, on its highest settings, Crysis is the most beautiful and realistic game ever created. There is a catch, however-you won’t be playing it on the highest settings. Crysis’s minimum system requirements are so deceptive that it should be illegal. Unless you’ve bought a new graphics card during the last year, you will not be running this game. That said, if you can run Crysis, you’re in for the treat of a lifetime. Trees and bushes look like they’ve been plucked straight from the Hawaiian jungle, water is as realistic as possible, and vehicles and buildings are perfectly rendered.

The physics are Crysis’s secret weapon, however. The rule of thumb in Crysis is “everything explodes,” this is quite obvious in earlier levels. Almost any building, vehicle, or object can be blown up or completely destroyed down to the last wall. Everything is destructable. You’ll find yourself spending more time playing with your godlike powers of destruction than actually killing enemies. Crysis has, hands down, the best graphics and physics of any video game on the market.

Music: Crysis has some catchy tunes, but nothing too memorable. Most of the game has ambient music; that is, quieter, more natural music playing in the background as you explore the jungle. There are some more epic, action-packed pieces, but they only play during huge, climactic sequences.

Replayability: Crysis’s singleplayer is more replayable than other shooters, mostly due to the huge level of interactivity. Multiplayer is also highly replayable through Power Struggle, but the game mode has several annoyances that may drive less patient players over the edge. In the end, Crysis’s replayability is directly related to how much fun the player had playing the game the first time.

TOTAL: Crysis is an extremely good shooter and a much underrated game that does not deserve its reputation as a graphical devil-monster. The singleplayer and multiplayer go above and beyond the normal FPS standards to bring an unusually replayable game. However, several flaws in the single and multiplayer can cause frustration and ultimately stops the game from reaching its full potential.

Total: 8/10
Release date: November 13, 2007
Platforms: PC
Originally written for GameFAQs

Super Mario Galaxy--Review

2008-09-04T17:51:00.000-04:00

"An incredible game and a must-have Wii title"

Super Mario Galaxy is the premiere Mario game on the Wii and the first true successor to the wildly acclaimed Super Mario 64. Galaxy takes everything that game invented and takes it to the next level.

Gameplay: Galaxy's gameplay is standard Mario fare mixed with some interesting new mechanics. The goal is to lead Mario to the famous star at the end of each level. There are many different galaxies, arranged in “observatories” accessible from the main hub, and each galaxy has several stars to obtain, for a total of 120. The variety of galaxies is amazing, as no two locales are similar. Many of the galaxies revolve around a new gravity mechanic-jumping from planetoid to planetoid. Each platform in these space-based levels allows you to walk completely around the platform, even upside down. This adds a whole new dimension to the standard platforming common in Mario games. Land-based galaxies are more traditional Mario locations, similar to the gameplay of Super Mario 64. These levels usually involve an objective of some kind that you must complete to get the star.

Every galaxy has a comet that occasionally arrives nearby. These “comet missions” involve doing a specific objective you already completed, but with a twist. These twists include only having 1 health unit, every enemy moving faster, or getting the star in a time limit. Completing these comet missions gives you a star as well. Finally, there are other stars that are hidden in levels that already have a star of their own, and stars found by Mario's brother Luigi-who subsequently gets himself captured and must be rescued to obtain his star.

The Wii Remote is used for several functions in Galaxy. In order to do a spin attack, you shake the Remote. Spin attacks are used for various actions and to injure enemies that can't be jumped on. However, the game often relies on spin attacks so much that you'll find your wrist hurting after just an hour or two of playing a galaxy that uses spin attacks frequently. Additionally, a few galaxies make use of holding the Remote in different ways, like on its side or vertically. These galaxies are usually more annoying than challenging.

A small new feature is the collection of star bits. These appear often, after doing anything from defeating enemies to simply finding them scattered throughout levels. Star bits can be collected by moving the Remote cursor over them. Star bits are used as a sort of “currency,” some areas of levels, and some whole galaxies, must be accessed by paying star bits to NPCs. However, the star bit function really serves no purpose other than this.

Another new mechanic is the suit function. Mario can find various mushrooms, like in classic Mario games, but the difference is these mushrooms cause some bizarre changes-one turns Mario into a bee and lets him fly around, another turns him into a spring to let him bounce higher. The only issue with this mechanic is that its only used when it needs to be-if you see a bee suit, you know you need to fly somewhere, and they never appear when you don't need to.

However, the gameplay does have a few small flaws. The camera is an annoyance throughout the game-whether you're on a planetoid and the camera refuses to follow you, or you're underwater and the camera randomly pans in front of you. While this seems like a minor issue, it can cause you die very easily when you can't see what you're doing.

Graphics: Galaxy is a beautiful game, hands down. All of the environments are amazingly detailed. Water reflects perfectly, the grass sways in the wind, and everything is perfectly and realistically rendered. The colorful art style makes the game easy to look at, and many times you'll enter a new galaxy and spend a few seconds just looking around at the landscape in awe.

Music: Galaxy's music is catchy and enjoyable. Many of the tunes will be stuck in your head for hours afterword, and all of them are unique and fit their respective galaxies well. Some of the boss battle songs are surprisingly epic for a Mario game. The game also adapts the music to the environment well-for example, the music distorts when you go underwater to reflect what actually happens to sound underwater. The music is one of the best parts of the game, and you'll probably find yourself humming some of the tunes without realizing it.

Replayability: Galaxy's large amount of collectible stars makes it a long, but well worth it, journey to undertake. However, the game's replayability revolves around the reward unlocked for getting all 120 stars. While I won't spoil it, I will say this reward's attempt at extending the game's replay value only applies to hardcore completionists. Nonetheless, it's a fun ride while it lasts.

TOTAL: Galaxy's enormous variety of locations and objectives means you won't get bored fast. The game is both deceptively easy and challenging for older players too, although the difficulty seems uneven throughout the game. The small flaws are outweighed by the pure fun the game gives you. This game is a must for all Wii owners.

Score: 9/10
Release date: November 12, 2007
Platforms: Wii
Originally written for GameFAQs

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare--Review

2008-09-04T17:28:00.000-04:00

"A genre-influencing shooter that will not soon be forgotten"

First-person shooters are often criticized for being stale, cookie-cutter games with little effort put into them, and oftentimes, this is true. However, once in a while a gem in the genre pops up-and Call of Duty 4 is one of them. The Call of Duty series has always taken place in World War II-how does the new, modern-day combat hold up to the tried and true gameplay of the predecessors?

Gameplay: Multiplayer: As an FPS, Call of Duty 4 doesn't do much different than other shooters-the key is that it does it better. There are over a dozen different multiplayer maps to pick from, and a large amount of game types. Unlike many shooters, which face the “sniper problem”-the overpowering of snipers on maps-Call of Duty 4's maps feature a large amount of cover and buildings to protect yourself from snipers while still providing large open spaces for snipers to pick off easy prey. The weapons are also possibly the most balanced of any FPS-with a few exceptions, it's rare to play a large match in which every weapon isn't being used by someone. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, and can be customized to fit your style, with various sights and scopes, grips, silencers, grenade launchers, and colorful unlockable camo for every gun.

The major feature that sets Call of Duty 4 apart from other shooters is the level up system. Every time you gain points through a match-whether it's simply killing enemies in deathmatch or capturing an area in Headquarters-you gain equivalent experience points. Experience points can also be earned through completing challenges, which are criteria-based accomplishments with varying rewards, such as new scopes and camouflage. Every time you level up, you earn new challenges, “perks,” and even new weapons. The perfect balance between the weapons means that lower level players aren't disadvantaged with their weapon choices-I've seen many servers where the first place player is a lower level than the others.

Perks are a key feature in multiplayer-they're special abilities that help you mold your own fighting style. For example, the Iron Lungs perk lets you hold in your breath for a longer time-entirely useless to a shotgun user, but quite useful for a sniper. Other perks allow you to customize your loadout with various explosives, or give you other options with which to create your own strategies. For example, combining a silenced weapon with the UAV Jammer perk, which shields you from radar sweeps, forms the ultimate stealth kit. These varying ways to play help customize gameplay in ways you never thought possible, and makes the multiplayer enjoyable, and most importantly, exciting. You won't get bored fast.

Gameplay: Singleplayer: The singleplayer mode revolves around two different wars in two different countries-the British SAS versus Russian ultranationalists, and the US Marines versus Middle Eastern rebels from an intentionally unnamed country. Both villainous sides are working together for a common goal-wipe the west's influence off the map.

The singleplayer missions involve goal-based tactics combined with standard run-and-gun fare. One second you'll be protecting a tank as it rolls through the streets of a ravaged Middle Eastern city, the next you'll be hiding from search helicopters after being shot down in Russia. The characters are not that fleshed out, but their distinct personalities make them memorable and recognizable. The story is believable to the point that you sometimes wonder if a similar situation could erupt tomorrow. The singleplayer clearly wasn't thrown in randomly, unlike many multiplayer-focused games, and the only issue is that it's relatively short-but still rather lengthy for an FPS.

Graphics: Call of Duty 4's graphics are top notch and some of the best seen on the current generation of consoles. Explosions cause dust clouds that distort your view, rockets create trails of smoke, flames burn realistically, and bulletholes are created in realtime. Realistic lighting effects make maps set in different lighting conditions more interesting and force you to adapt to a different style of fighting. The graphical power leaves nothing to be desired and truly makes the game look and feel like modern warfare.

Music: Call of Duty 4's soundtrack is simply incredible. Although no music is played in multiplayer matches, the game's immersive soundtrack can be heard throughout singleplayer, and every level has its own individual song. The intense music really gets in you in the mood and feels appropriate no matter if you're fighting in Russia or the Middle East. Even the menu music is eerily calm as you prepare to join a match and start killing.

Replayability: Replayability is Call of Duty 4's strong point. With so many options for customization, and so many challenges and unlockables for every gun, it'll be hard for you to be left with nothing to do. Even the singleplayer is replayable, with many unlockable “cheats” that change up the game in fun, and often humorous ways.

TOTAL: Call of Duty 4 is one of the best games available for any console today. Fun both by yourself and with others, the infinite amount of replayability and customization breaks it from the mold of other shooters, turning it into a unique and highly enjoyable game in its own right. Like many pioneering shooters before it, Call of Duty 4 will be remembered as a step forward for the genre.

Score: 10/10
Release date: November 5, 2007
Platforms: PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Originally written for GameFAQs